Pushing

No, not drug pushing... Lol

I'm talking about pushing someone to do better, to be better... Most of the time, when we push, it's for the greater good, but the way we choose to push can make a HUGE difference...

The way I see it, there are 2 kinds of pushing: encouraging & berating...

When we encourage, we use positivity, praise, and validation to get people to or make them continue to do amazing things. We might say, "Keep up the good work!" or "You're so talented, you'd be perfect for doing this!" or something to that effect.

Now, some of you may think of this as coddling or hand-holding or "baby-ing", but some people just do better with the positivity. 

On the opposite end, when we berate (and it doesn't always have to be malicious or even intentional), we criticize, pester, or otherwise keep bugging someone to do better... We might say, "You should be doing more with your life!" or "Good isn't good enough!" or something along those lines. 

Many people choose this method of pushing. It may be a school of thought passed through family or community. It may be what makes sense to you to light a fire under someone. 

Now, I'm not gonna put one above the other. Different people respond to different methods of pushing, and what works for one person may not work for another. Plus, most of the time, when we push, it's all for the greater good, right?...  Well, let's look at some pros & cons of each kind of pushing... 

Pros: 

Encouraging: 

-studies show that people respond better to positive reinforcement (when something is given) than negative reinforcement (when something is taken). So, when you're "giving" people good things to stand on, when you're trying to build them up, you might have better results.

Berating:

-some people need that "kick in the pants" to get them going... Some people get incredibly motivated by others making them understand that you want them to be great so badly that you get irritated when they're not operating at their full potential or what you think that full potential is. 

Cons: 

Encouragement:

-All that positivity can backfire. Simply put, some people think that positive encouragement is too soft, too easy. If you're too positive, it's like you don't care enough or it can make them feel like they're drowning in mushy crap that means nothing...

Berating:

-Too much of the nagging, chastising, and/or scolding can result in a shutdown... Some people just don't respond well to being fussed at, all the time. It can cause them to get self-conscious, and turn inward. 

I know that some of you may have your own position on which kind of pushing is best, or you just have a natural method that you use as a habit. Like I said, neither are wrong, but you have to be careful. I say ALL THE TIME that you have to know who you're talking to. You have to adjust your approach when talking to different people, because different people react, absorb, and think about things in different ways. 

Personally, I'm naturally more of an encourager, but I'm not afraid to chastise when it's appropriate. I guess it's because I try to deal with people the way I want to be dealt with. I DO NOT do well w/ being fussed at... That doesn't motivate me, but hey, like I said, what works for one may not for the other. 

So, I guess all I'm saying is that pushing is a very good thing, most of the time, but you gotta make sure you're pushing that person up and not away...

Men & Shades of Grey

Let me start out by saying that, of course, this may not apply to all men. I don't make those kinds of generalizations. Actually, that's kinda the point of this blog in the first place... Ok, so here we go...

I was having a convo w/ a friend the other night & she was talking about her man's trouble w/ differentiating between what has happened in other people's lives & what can happen in his. This is a VERY common issue w/ today's young man. I've seen it for myself, I've heard it from male friends, & I've heard stories about the very same thing. It troubles me because this inability or unwillingness to apply a case-by-case basis of evaluation to your circumstances affects not only you and your well-being, but also that of those around you (friends, family, significant others, etc.)

Let me give another disclaimer before I get too deep. I am not suggesting that the men who do this do it all the time, unfortunately it's often only applied to social situations. Also, I am not suggesting that only men do this. Many women do too, but it's not usually the men who get hurt as a consequence of a woman over-generalizing. Ok, back to it.

Example time: let's say there's a couple who have been in a relationship for a long time. Things are getting serious. They've started talking about marriage, heavily. Suddenly, he gets distant. Not due to commitment phobia, but to an over-generalization. All he sees around him are dysfunctional marriages that may suffer from infidelity, bickering, jealousy, loss of "the spark", or any number of other factors. This might make anyone a little skittish. As such, the man in the relationship gets distant, nonchalant, less talkative, not himself.

Of course, he doesn't initially share this apprehension with his lady, but something I've noticed with today's young man is that this is pretty much paralyzing for them. They think that because this is what they've seen woth others, their friends, their family, or whomever, that this is what their marriage will be like. 

We've always heard that men are the simpler sex, & I think, to some degree, that's true. In this case, that idea applies in that the man in this relationship has over-simplified circumstances in his life. He has made his life a bit too black and white. Life is grey, ladies & gents. You can't apply the same idea to a different situation if the people, circumstances, time, & thought processes are all different! I get the fear. It's valid, but you're selling yourself & your significant other INCREDIBLY short. If you want things to be different, do everything in your power to make it so. Don't let someone else's circumstances dictate your own. 

Young man of today, focus on your own relationship. If there's something you want with your significant other, do it. Go after it. Don't let what your buddies do or say phase you or make you timid. From what I've seen, this affects you guys not only in your relationship, but it also starts to trickle down into other aspects of your life. Pretty soon, you'll find yourself biologically intertwined with your sofa & it takes a natural disaster to unstick your ass from the couch for reasons you don't understand (that paralysis thing I was talking about)

OR you go out & act a damn fool out galavanting & doing things you know you have no business doing, as an act of rebellion (also a form of paralysis, emotional, that is).

Don't do this to yourself, gentlemen, but more importantly, do that to your lady.